Almost Christmas

Max is getting the Priesthood next Sunday! He was going to get it today but Max preferred Bishop Pulsipher to give it to him, and he was out of town this week. Today was a beautiful Christmas program with mostly music, and it was so spiritual and beautiful. I hope so much that Max felt that same spirit. I am so excited for him to receive the Priesthood. I feel like for Max, responsibility needs to be given to him before he will rise to it. If he waits until he is ready he will never be ready.

We went to get our Christmas presents on Saturday. I already told Max I would get him a 3DS and he wouldn't stop bugging me about it, and luckily it went on sale this week. And along the way, I got Max his dumb breakfast sandwich maker that he's also been bugging me about forever. And he finally picked up a Crockpot for me :) It's black and white and pretty.

Then the mall. We got our Santa photo finally! The set was dead, and it took almost no time. And we got our second ornament! Little gingerbread people. :) And then. Max bought me a 350 dollar necklace. A sapphire and white gold necklace in... the shape of a cat. I saw it a few weeks ago when I went to get my ring cleaned, and I loved it. And he was going to get me something from Tiffany but he kept putting it off and wasn't sure if he would get it in time. And this was so much fun to do. We're going to wrap everything so we can still open it on Christmas. I made Max a boudoir photobook also, I found a good coupon for one. I really like it, I just don't know how he would actually look at it? I've never been clear on that haha.

We've been getting together with Shawna and Derek almost every weekend, and I really like it. I've been taking Shawna to work when we work the same shift, and we had a really nice talk last night about the past. I was remembering how I tried to get Shawna to date Max after she broke up with Steven. Which is hilarious. And then we were talking about how we have the same relationship story. Max and Carly broke up, Shawna and Steven broke up. They almost got together. Then Derek was still with Breanne and broke up with her because he liked Shawna. And I broke up with Justin for Max. And then we all broke up after Max went away. And Max was with Ann, and I was with Alex, and Derek was kind of with another girl, and Shawna was kind of with another guy. And Max and Shawna talked and Max was upset because he wanted to be with me and I was with Alex, and he felt bad about Ann, and Shawna would complain to Max about Derek and Max would stick up for him because it was the same. exact. thing. And then everything was fine and we are happy. But it's so weird.

Overall our Christmas stuff has been really nice. Our tree is really beautiful, I got some more ball ornaments at the 99 cent store. And we got our cat nativity! I went nuts on the Christmas paintings earlier in the month, and I really love them. I'm actually giving paintings as gifts for Christmas, to my Mom and Lori. I still have to make them however.

Other news being that Grandma and Opa have a Facebook, and it's actually really nice to be able to keep in contact other than calling. And lastly, Charlie is engaged. 4 months after meeting the girl. And I found out at work and I was actually upset for a bit. It was just this weird "what if?" part of my life, and it was more obvious that it would never happen. As if being married to the love of my life wasn't enough. And I was talking to Shawna about that too, and she totally understood. When she was broken up with Derek she almost dated someone else, but loved Derek too much to do it. And I became close to Charlie when Max and I were broken up, and I was trying so hard to change my life and be active in church and repent. And Charlie was the only person who understood that and I really fell for him, but Charlie was going on a mission, and I loved Max. So much. And I knew that I would end up with him. But even so, there's always that stupid "what if?" And then this weird thing happened, where I accidentally ran into him at the mall after work when Shawna and I were in the food court, and we talked a lot and I just didn't really want anything to do with him. And it was such a good thing.

12-13-14 15:16

Let the record show that on 12-13-14, at 3:16 pm I kissed my husband while getting ready for work and watching Gilmore Girls. It might have been around after 3:17 because we forgot, but the intention was still there.

Prep for Parenting?

I think the Muppets Christmas Carol is my favorite Christmas Carol version ever. I just watched it, and because I wasn't paying attention to it I re-watched it, and because I again wasn't paying attention I am attempting to watch it again. And it's so good! The music is so good, and the humor.

This is a side note from today, which has been the worst day ever. I woke up early so I could clean the house a little. And I go over to the cat's window bed, and it's covered in sesame seed rice things. What is this? I don't like this. I google it. TAPE WORMS. EVERY ANSWER IS TAPE WORMS. Please no. Which cat? How much will this cost? I call the vet. 45 to bring the cat in, and 40 to bring a stool sample to get tested. Then wait for the results, and pay x for medicine. No thanks. Meanwhile, I look at Emma's bottom. Worms crawling out. OH GOOD. So I know it's Emma. Immediate freak out.

I called my Mom and asked her to ask around to find out what will work. Tony (our neighbor) says Petsmart meds are fine. I took off all the bedding, tried to wash it but Max has the laundry key. So I vacuumed everything I could. My Mom came over to help me which was so appreciated. We went to Petsmart and got medicine, and pill pockets, which of course the cats wouldn't eat! So we had to wrap them in towels and force feed them pills. How fun. If it wasn't so sad and annoying it would have been funny. Their little heads sticking out of a towel.

Tony also said that pumpkin would be good for them as a natural remedy, so we tried to force feed Alice pumpkin, and that didn't work at all. She just has a little orange stained face now. However, since Emma will eat canned food, we were able to mix it in with the food and she ate it.

My back is killing me from cleaning all day, so I told Annika I would be late. I wanted to call out entirely because I was so stressed, but I feel better now and I'm okay to go in. Shawna's first night is tonight so I do want to be there to help her.

The kitties are currently sleeping peacefully, and hopefully Max will be kind and do the laundry when he comes home. Just so much yuck.

Tomorrow I have a day off, so I'm going to clean the den (hopefully) and start to sort things into the bookcases. I have a lot of stuff at my Mom's still, and I asked her to start moving things so I can get it out. That's the last major unpacking we have to do. Everything else is just little things here and there, and putting all the frames up now that I have all photos developed! They came this morning, but I've been too busy to look at them. I will when I get home.

I'm feeling pretty good all things considered, and I am very grateful for that. I'm off to work now.

Guinea Pig Feels

Just filled out a surrender application for our two guineas. I feel so sad, but I know it's the right thing. I just don't have the drive to take care of them, and they shouldn't suffer for that. I was originally hoping to sell them, but I found a rescue for them in Chatsworth, and I think that would make me feel better about the whole thing. As far as the equipment goes, I think I can sell a good portion of it by itself. Wishing you the best, little pigs.

December

Happy December! It's very rainy right now. I love it, but it's dark. Our apartment doesn't have a lot of light anyway, and now it's super dark. It's a little depressing. But I've been crafting. And cleaning. And I feel good about it. I put away the Thanksgiving things and set up my very sad and pathetic collection of Christmas things. 

My favorite part of this is that it looks like giant creatures came to visit the manger.

And I've been painting. I love it.

I rearranged the microwave cart to make it look like we read and are fancy. Emma decided that it's her bed.

FHE: The Spirit World

Life After Death: 6 Insights into the Spirit World

I don't know if this link will be functional indefinitely, but this is the article that we explored for Family Night tonight, after making homemade pizza.

This was an article from LDS Living, the author had attended a conference of the International Association of Near-Death Studies, which was comprised of all kinds of people from different faiths, professions and backgrounds.

"As impressive as this gathering was, what had a greater impact on me was that most of these people were generally familiar with Latter-day Saint beliefs about the afterlife. It made me realize that we possess unique, profound doctrines concerning the role of the spirit that perhaps we take for granted."

The author goes on to describe 6 principles of the afterlife that are unique to the LDS faith. I will describe the most poignant parts of them to me.

The LDS Understanding of the Afterlife Brings Consolation

The prophet Joseph Smith taught about the spirit world and called these things the "principles of consolation". The fact that death was so prevalent for the early Saints forced the need for many talks to be given on the matter and console the Saints who had lost loved ones. We are taught that our loved ones are alive, at peace, busy in doing the work, and have hope in Christ and the Atonement. We are consoled truly by this knowledge.

The Afterlife is a Place of Rest

The trials and sorrows we have on Earth are put to rest in the afterlife. We will be at peace. The words of the hymn Come Come Ye Saints are made more meaningful "And if we die before our journey's through, Happy Day! All is well." 

The Spirit World Is Right Here on Earth

We had a lesson on the Spirit World in Gospel Essentials a few weeks ago, and we touched on this doctrine a little bit, which I found out afterwards was totally new to Max. (I am always very happy when Max learns new things, because he often says he's tired of hearing the same things over and over) I grew up in the church, and yet I don't really remember ever hearing this principle. I think this principle is something that should be shouted from the rooftops. Our loved ones are not gone, nor are they distant. This is a unique principle in Christian religions, and so poignant. "The Prophet Joseph Smith taught, “They are not far from us, and know and understand our thoughts, feelings, and motions, and are often pained therewith.” This last principle is a little saddening to me. How many times have my ancestors looked on me and been so saddened by my choices? How many times have I let them down? 

The Spirit World Will Be Familiar

I will explain this with quotes from the article. 

“That which is spiritual [is] in the likeness of that which is temporal; and that which is temporal in the likeness of that which is spiritual.” This important principle teaches us not only that we have within our earthly tabernacle an immortal spirit that generally looks like our bodies, but also that, to a large degree, the spirit world looks and is organized like the earthly world. 

Brigham Young taught, “When you are in the spirit world, everything there will appear as natural as things now do. Spirits will be as familiar with spirits in the spirit world—will converse, behold, and exercise every variety of communication one with another as familiarly and naturally as while here in tabernacles. There, as here, all things will be natural, and you will understand them as you now understand natural things.” 

This, to me, is another “principle of consolation.” Some may think that all spirits do in the spirit world is float around on clouds, playing harps. Others may think that the only thing that goes on there is missionary work. But we know that that isn’t true. We will be teaching and being taught, serving and being served—just like here. There we will converse, laugh and cry, and engage ourselves in meaningful and productive activities—just like here.

I included all of this, because I think it it just the most beautiful and wonderful thing. I have always been most upset about death not because of actual death, but because there is no much in Earthly life that I love. Knowing that the Spirit World is organized like Earth, that we will communicate, play, and love with one another is such a comfort and blessing to me.

The Atonement Covers Those in the Spirit World

"President Wilford Woodruff taught that the priesthood and offices we hold in this life go with us into the spirit world. We engage in the same types of service and ministry there that we use our priesthood for here."  The work continues.

 Elder Neal A. Maxwell made this interesting observation, “Though we miss the departed righteous so much here, hundreds may feel their touch [in the afterlife]. One day, those hundreds will thank the bereaved for gracefully forgoing the extended association with choice individuals here, in order that they could help hundreds there. In God’s ecology, talent and love are never wasted.” 

This quote and concept in particular has been a tremendous source of peace and joy to me. The more I hear this principle, the more I think about it, the surer I am of why my Father was taken when he was. He was so sick and weak here, unable to fully be himself and live up to his true potential. And I miss him, and regret deeply the things that we never got to do or say while on Earth together, I know that he is helping me so much from the other side. That he is spreading the gospel and being a missionary like he physically could not before. His work was to be done from the other side, and through God's perfect plan, it is. How many people are thanking him for his service right now, that he could not have completed if not for the way his life went? How many things has he done for me that I cannot even begin to imagine? Life is never wasted. Those who die young did not have wasted lives. Talent and love are never wasted.

We Will Obtain Inexpressible Glory in the Afterlife

Enhanced travel, enhanced communication, enhanced learning. We communicate not with speech, but spirit to spirit, perfectly, the way Heavenly Father communicates with us. True understanding and communication. Learning will not be by one channel, but will come as light from the sun, giving understanding about thousands of things, and our spirits will be able to understand it all perfectly. We will retain all information, and increasingly understand and retain more and more. How incredibly excited I am for these things. What a beautiful and amazing place it will be. 

"Our knowledge of what it will be like then and there helps us to know what we should be like here and now. Gospel insights about dying teach us a great deal about living"

Weird Weekend

I've been kind of in a funk this weekend, and I'm not quite sure why. I had really annoying experiences with people from the Simi Valley Buy Sell and Trade pages. I hate dealing with people I don't know, especially disrespectful people who don't come when they are supposed to and act difficult. I listed a blender and there was no interest, so a few days later I lowered price. And then there was interest. And the lady who got it was super flaky, but because I am not aggressive enough I didn't want to pass her and have her get mad, even though I could have got more money from someone else. Then she left a weird note saying "Please next time respect the price" but she left me the lowered price so I don't understand. So now I keep wondering if she left more money and I dropped it somewhere but that really doesn't seem likely, so I'm just confused. And even though it's fine, things that could have been different just really bother me, even about 5 dollars. But I have other things to sell, and hopefully I just forget about it. The two things I've sold were wedding presents, and it's now been a year since we got them, so at this point selling them for anything is better than nothing.

I just have been more and more aware of the fact that I almost definitely have obsessive compulsive disorder. And not the "I really like things a certain way, I'm so OCD lol!!!!" A major reason why I can't get anything done is because of obsessive thoughts. Trash for instance- the thought that even though I only throw away trash, something important might have somehow inexplicably gotten in the trash. And so I compulsively go through the garbage, sometimes 2 or 3 times. I have thoughts such as "I could have got 5 more dollars from selling this item", so I compulsively replay all scenarios involving the transaction in my head, over and over, and I think of all ways I could have done things differently. The most prominent problem is the wedding. Some thought of one of the various things that went wrong will pop in my head, and I will have to close my eyes and think of all the ways it could have been fixed, and what would have happened if it went differently. And how on Earth does that help? Well, I know it doesn't. And the fact that I can't stop, and that it causes me great discomfort every day and wastes so much of my time and energy makes it a real problem, and one that I definitely need to seek help for.

Speaking of help, I'm still not sure how that whole health insurance thing is going to work even when Max is off his 90 days and starts to get his benefits. His company only pays 100 dollars a month into a plan, which as far as I know we have to first pick ourselves. And anything that is that low a month is going to have really crappy coverage. Lori said I may be able to qualify for a plan under Covered California, but every experience I've had so far trying to deal with it has been crappy.

So Allure came out with their new Modest Spring line....

Beautiful Sabbath Day

I am so overjoyed right now. Max and I were able to attend our ward, and attend all 3 meetings. All without Max complaining. Which is a small miracle. :p I am so grateful for our ward and the love that we have already received. I have already been assigned a visiting teacher, and she has made definite plans to visit. I was able to see both Bro and Sis Labass, whom I admire greatly, and Bro LaBass said he will invite us to dinner soon. Our ward has already been such a vast and stark change from the way that church and wards have gone for us in the past, and I am so grateful. I know that Max was blessed with getting the job that he has, everything was so perfectly placed for his career, and for us a a family and for our families, that I know it was Heaven sent. And now the fact that we have been placed in this ward where we have been treated so kindly, and where Max has already felt comfortable enough to express his need for help to the Bishop, and now to the Elder's Quorum today.

I am also extremely impressed with my need to give service and Christ like love... to my husband. I am so hard on him, and so critical of him. and I see everyday just how selfish I am when it comes to caring for him and giving him relief. A talk was given on the song "A Poor Wayfaring Man of Grief", and though I have heard countless talks on service in my life, I was impressed with how much I am lacking. When we hear service we tend to think big, helping the homeless, stopping our cars to help people who are broken down on the side of the road. And really, as a woman, I feel very limited in that respect. I feel very vulnerable to the dangers of the world, and I am cautious about those types of service. And I realized, that there are countless things that I can do, however, if I don't start in my own home I will never be humble enough to see them. I see countless ways that I can help my husband, the one person that I will be bound to for eternity, and I do almost nothing. I ask and ask of him, and do almost nothing to serve him. And I want so very badly to change that. He has given me all I asked today, he went with me to church with a kind heart, and he actually seemed to enjoy himself. He said the words "I could get used to it". It's all my prayers and hopes coming true.

I will try my hardest to be a missionary to him, and to serve him with all of my heart and soul. Kindness is the key, and I want so badly to put that into action.

Anniversary Nov 2

My last post got so long that I gave up adding in the actual anniversary post. In the morning Max gave me my kind of present- our wedding DVD with his re-written vows. Not re-written as in different, but re-written because he left his vows in his rented jacket after our wedding and I was very sad. However, because he had watched the DVD so he could write down his vows, he didn't want to watch it on the day of. :p

He also wrote me a beautiful letter that made me all teary. It's strange, I've read everywhere that the first year of marriage is the hardest, and while it was happening I never thought that was accurate for us. But looking back, and kind of seeing the way that things are with us now, I feel like we have grown so much. However, it could be because Max isn't in school anymore, we're back in Simi with our families, have a beautiful place, and Max has a steady job and routine. We have date nights, we watch movies, we play games together. Max seems happier and happier as time goes on. And it's good.

I gave Max my card and present, (pictured below) and he seemed to really like it. I know he's not super into decoration things, but it's something meaningful to him. He said that he got me something else, but it hadn't come yet.

Max went to take a shower, and I went out to his car to write Happy Anniversary on it. Then I showered and we got cute. Max wanted to go out to breakfast, and we ended up going to Mimi's in T.O. and getting delicious muffins and such. We were talking about the anniversary gifts by year, and seeing how silly some of them were. Apparently the first year is paper because it symbolizes how your lives have weaved together in the first year like the threads of paper are weaved together.

We went to Albertsons before going home so we could get apple pie materials. After we got home Max got really tired, and he started acting weird. I left to go to Target and get materials for our anniversary photo shoot, so I got some chalk and chalkboard signs, and then I went to Party City and picked up my balloons. I brought them home and the other stuff, and I started talking about the photo shoot, and Max seemed like he was getting annoyed. We were also going to go to dinner in Westlake, and he started saying that he didn't want to go anymore, and that he was really tired and never gets a chance to rest from work. I understand that he's tired on the weekends and wants to rest, but it really bothered me because it was on our anniversary. I'm not very good at having plans change when I've already planned them out, but that didn't even bother me. However, Max said something that I took the wrong way, and I ended up really upset and we had a fight.

Honestly, all we had planned was to be together and make a cake, and we never actually discussed if we were going to take pictures. So really, no actual plans were changed. We decided to go out to dinner the next day because we had already gone to breakfast- and also because we really didn't need to break the Sabbath anymore. So we finally talked and things were okay, and we just sat together and watched Netflix. After awhile he did agree to go out and take a couple pictures with me and the balloons, and the little grass and tree area ended up being really pretty.

This is the present I got Max- lyrics by the Avett Brothers

We made our apple pie in the evening, and it was magical. It was so good. I tried to stick our cake topper on it, and it didn't work. But oh man that pie was delicious. I decided that making an apple pie together is going to be our anniversary tradition.

Oh yeah.

Halloween and Santa Barbara Zoo

I was realizing last night how bad I've been about my journal. And so much has been gog on to write about. I'm in between my seasonal jobs right now, Halloween was my last day at Party City. (Or at least I believe it was, because I never checked if I worked after that :p) My job as a Santa Photographer starts on Friday. I think it's just for family photos the first couple weeks, as it is much too early for Santa (I hope). So, I'm enjoying these few days to clean, cook, and set up the house a little bit more. Except right now I'm just watching Gilmore Girls in shorts and a sports bra, so I can't say I've made much progress.

It's easier waking up early now thanks to Max getting up and leaving so early for work. Also maybe because Daylight Savings Time just ended. I find that the hardest thing for me is waking up in the dark, and now that it gets lighter earlier it's easier to get up. Also the cats make so much noise in the blinds in the bay window that it's hard to stay asleep anyway. Little jerks. I stayed up for a bit after Max went to bed last night and it was really quiet and kind of dark and depressing. Maybe I'll start making more of an effort to go to bed when Max does and wake up with him too. 

This is not at all about my anniversary- so let me skip ahead. (Because I have pictures!)

So Halloween was my last day at Party City- I was scheduled 12-8, and ended up getting there at 1 because Max had the Time Warner guy come early to set up the internet. And he took forever. But he was really nice and really funny, and it was my last day so I really didn't care. I was watching Flight of the Conchords and he was commenting on how anyone who liked that show was cool in his book. And that my hair reminded him of Mel's hair. That was also because I had diffused my hair all big and put on a lot of make up so I could dress up as a cat at work. And I did try to draw whiskers on so I wasn't just wearing cat ears, but it didn't work. Halloween was pretty fun, it was busy and interesting to see a lot of people come in in costume, and then around 6 it just totally got dead. But a few different people came in and ordered massive balloon orders for Halloween night, none of which had anything to do with Halloween. It was weird. I came home after work and tried to trick-or-treat for kisses, but Max thought I was actually a trick-or-treater and didn't come to the door. What a goob. I tried to get Max to dress up as Batman to go to Chipotle, but he said he looked stupid and wouldn't do it. We did go to Chipotle though and waited in a huge line. I was Catwoman. And we watched Monsters University and ate Halloween candy (that I bought from Party City) at home. It started raining really hard while we were eating, and we went to bed at like 10 because we were tired, and our pumpkins still aren't carved. It was a good Halloween though.

Wow, this is still not anniversary related at all.

Saturday! The 1st of November!!! It was still cloudy and a bit drizzly on and off when we woke up. We had planned to go to the zoo, but I was worried that the animals would be hiding if it was raining. Max convinced me to go and we had such a good time. The zoo wasn't crowded at all, and the animals were all out. I got to feed a giraffe! It was fun. They have long blue tongues that grab the food you give them. 

We went to eat lunch and all of the sudden it started pouring. But it stopped after a while, and we went back to see what the animals were doing. The otters were out playing and squeaking, and I got really good pictures of them. 

We went to see the rest of the zoo, and it went in and out of being rainy. We went to see the gorillas, and they were being really active and interesting, except there was some really rude people in the way, and I couldn't get any pictures. But a really awesome thing happened, where the snow leopards were walking around all wet and pathetically in their cage. One of them kept kicking a mud puddle like an idiot. However, I was able to get this shot- shown in black and white and color because I couldn't decide which I liked better.

We saw some of the other animals again too. And my telephoto lens (and Lightroom) is the bestest thing ever for zoos.

:) :) :)

We came back from the zoo and went to BJ's with Max's family to celebrate AJ's birthday. It was nice!

Oct 28 Update

So humans, cats, guinea pigs, and fish are all officially moved in. There's still so many boxes... a lot of them are just my junk though. The kitchen is basically done, except for some odds and ends that are misplaced. I'm just over it. I'm still missing my bra- my only expensive nice bra. But I think it was missing before we moved. Max is missing his I-Pod too. I don't know what else is missing, and that makes me really anxious.

I got an e-mail yesterday from my German professor. I got dropped from my class from from missing too many days. And I'm upset- but not as upset as I should be- because I'm almost grateful. We don't have internet here, so I couldn't do my homework anyway. And I have work until midnight tonight, so I really doubt that I would have gone to my class tomorrow either. I'm so behind in my classwork anyway from moving, and then I work until 11 or 12 usually on Sunday on Tuesday the night before class.

I just have to make a much bigger effort next semester. I am sincerely hoping that having more than one class will help me be more motivated to keep the momentum. I just need to get into school mode again, I used to be really really good at it, and then I got burned out in Long Beach and I've been on the decline since then. I did really well in my 2 photo classes at RCC though, and maybe when I start taking more photo classes next semester that enjoyment will carry me through the rest of the boring awful classes. Or maybe I'll just put all of those classes off until the last second at CSUN, and just take photo and art and German next semester (which I will now ace because half of the class will be review).

Modern Day WOW

I would like to express my thoughts on The Word of Wisdom- regarding some things I've noticed recently.

I was watching conference, and one of the choirs was a Utah congregation. And there was an overwhelming trait that most of the members shared- more than half of them were overweight or to the point of being considered medically obese.  And as far as I’m aware, the WoW really counsels to eat correctly for our bodies, to eat fruit and veggies and whole grain, and exercise, and not be idle or sleep more than necessary. And if everyone adhered very strictly to these principles (and I am absolutely not saying that I do) there wouldn’t be nearly as many overweight or obese members (unless there is a medical cause behind it, or if people are naturally large or heavy, or any other factors which are outside of the control of diet of exercise- of which I am aware that there are many.)

So, why as members are we so prone to “pick and choose” about the WOW.  We are told constantly that the commandments are not a buffet- that we cannot pick and choose. So why do we ignore things like “Eat meat sparingly”, but completely shame and ostracize those college students who drink coffee to get through school? Why do we drink energy drinks which are linked to more health problems than I can list, but green tea, with less caffeine than dark chocolate, is taboo? 

How many LDS members were overjoyed when Baja Blast was sold in stores- and then when I pointed this out earlier in the year, I was told “It’s not listed in the Word of Wisdom!” (Which came out 200 years ago and therefore is a completely ridiculous thing to say. Of freaking course it’s not in the WoW.) 

For all intents and purposes, it very much seems like we are all about picking what’s convenient in the WoW, and ignoring the parts that we don’t like. And if that’s not the case, and we can truly say “Things have changed, we now recognize the spirit of the law, rather than the letter of the law” then we also need to recognize that the spirit of the law is to be healthy, and avoid addictive substances- which includes not eating fast food, and drinking cases of Baja Blast.

Just for funsies.
Here's my favorite wedding photo. :)

Sunday Update

Ahhh I'm so excited. I just got Max's anniversary present. It's paper, and I think he might cry. Maybe.

We move in in 3 days!!! And we're so broke. So in debt. But it's okay, because it's just for a couple weeks and then we'll get paid again and it will be okay. Phew.

We have to put off our anniversary trip to Disneyland now, but I'm actually kind of happy about it. Now we can spend the day in our new home, and I have a lot of fun stuff planned. (I've been making a Pinterest board for like a month now.)

Tomorrow we have to deal with a lot of the apartment stuff. Apparently we owe all of November's rent at move-in, which we were not told until now And our move in date is seriously one day before we both get paid. So we'll have to borrow some money, but that's okay. I really hope I don't work on Wednesday though...

We saw The Book of Life last night, and we really liked it. It definitely made me miss my Dad, as it was all about remembering our loved ones and how they are always with us if we do. And I've been thinking a lot about that recently anyway, after our Sunday School lesson last week on the Spirit World. I truly believe that my Dad had to go when he did because he just couldn't help me or anyone else while in his physical body. And now he's free to help me and Max make it to the temple.

I had a dream a few months ago and I'm not sure if I wrote it down, so I feel the need to so I don't forget. I was told in my Patriarchal Blessing that I would have dreams and see divine things. I can believe this, as I have some very intense and vivid dreams sometimes. One in particular though was something really silly, but it held something that I know is true. I had checked Facebook or something and saw that my Dad had been trying to message me from the Spirit World, but I hadn't seen the messages when they were sent. He told me that he was very busy doing missionary work, and he was happy to be doing it because he had never served a mission on the Earth. And every time I think about that I know it's true. I know it's what he's doing. And that makes me so happy and proud of him.

So, that was a tangent. Anyway, I recommend the Book of Life. It's cheesy, but moving, and Max said it addresses some deep cultural issues that modern Mexican families are experiencing. Namely the "Family wants son to do a certain thing, son wants to do something else and family disapproves" concept. It's really cheesy from a white person stand point, but definitely a real issue from the Hispanic stand point, especially for Max who converted to another religion.

That's the update. Max is watching a League of Legends championship video. Oh boy.

Oh! Another fun fact. A few days I absolutely freaked myself out into thinking I was pregnant. And I realized something (that I already knew). I am definitely absolutely not ready to be a Mom. I am far too selfish right now. Every reason I had for not wanting a baby now was "I need to graduate college" "I need to go to Europe" "I need to fit into a wedding dress for our sealing". Not "We don't have money" "I will be a bad Mom".  No, just entirely selfish 22 year old things. And I actually yelled at God. I yelled at God and said "You know I am too selfish for this. You know I will regret these things forever. I will be so mad."

So. That's something to work on. 

Oh! More updates. My Mom and I went to The Rise of the Jack O Lanterns on Wednesday at Descanso Gardens. Basically a long walk where you look at a bunch of different amazingly carved pumpkins. Here's some photos I took! (I'm proud of them!)

And I think that's finally all!

Ether 12:27

“And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.”


Seeing our weaknesses and recognizing their enormity is good. If we do not see our weaknesses, we are not humble. Even if Christ makes our weaknesses strong, we will always have something else come along to be tempted by, to be weak for. I see how my weaknesses have changed in the past couple years. I see the things that I have to work on. And I know that as long as I keep trying, as long as I keep standing back up after giving in, I will be helped. 

Good things update

I am genuinely happy today. It's kind of a weird feeling. It's diminished some as some added stress has arrived, but there was a moment, standing in Chipotle that I recognized that I was truly happy and blessed.

I'm actually having a really good time at Party City. I only work about 3 days a week, and the time goes by pretty quickly when I do work. It's really nice. I talked to some of the other seasonal hires, and met 2 guys who went to Santa Su, one graduated 2008, and one 2014. So I was talking to them a bit about the changes. We're supposed to wear accessories when we work, so I switch from cat ears to top hats. The store was super slow on Sunday night, so I ended up doing this. Beautiful, I know.

On Saturday I went to the T.O. mall with Max for an interview with the company that does the Santa Photo Booth. The managers are both girls a few years older than me, extremely nice, and wanted to hire me as a photographer. I'm so excited, except I have to do a bunch of paperwork and take a drug test, and meet again with the manager to do more paperwork before I start, and that stuff makes me anxious. But since a lot of my other anxieties have gone away, I'm feeling a lot better about it. Max took me to Red Lobster after to celebrate. Mmm cheddar bay biscuits...

Speaking of the other anxieties, I found out in Palm Springs last weekend that my license was expired. I had known this, and forgot about it. Also, my check engine has been on for a couple weeks. I initially saw it and realized the gas cap was off, so I hoped that was all it was. Then the light never went off. Lastly, there's still a bunch of apartment stuff we need to get done before we move, and I haven't heard from the leasing office in awhile.

But! Then I actually went on the DMV website, and it turns out renewing my license was like the easiest thing on the planet. Seriously. I'm kicking myself for not doing it earlier. And then today my check engine light finally went off. In this case, putting off taking it to the mechanic actually paid off, it just needed some time to finally realize that I had fixed it's problem. And lastly, Max switched the renters insurance tonight (super easy), and we paid the deposit and pro-rated rent online. So now when the lady does contact me, it should all be easy peasy.

Other stuff. On Friday for our date night we saw Maleficent, and we thought it was really good. Some weird plot points maybe, but I liked it a lot. Saturday we went running in the park before we went to the mall. Saw a kitty in the grass, good stuff. I hate running, but it was nice to go out in the park with Max. We went to church on Sunday and were introduced into the ward. After Sacrament the R.S. President talked to me (who was sitting right behind us) and was asking if we needed help moving in and stuff. She was really nice and said it was good to have young people move into the ward haha. We went to Sunday School too, the Sister Missionaries taught about the post-mortal life before the Resurrection. I guess it was stuff that Max didn't know a lot about, so he was excited to hear something new. :) We had a talk about doing baptisms for the dead on the way home.

I derped pretty hard on my German test the other day. I missed the class where he explained the test, so I thought it was on Monday in the library. I went to the library and no one was there. Turns out the test was online and I was supposed to do it before class. Oops. But I did it today and I think I did pretty well. Yesterday we wrote about our families. This was mine:

Ich erzähle dir von meiner Familie. Ich habe Geschwister nicht, ich bin ein Einzelkind. Ich habe ein Mutter, und ich liebe sie sehr. Sie ist eine Witwe. Ich bin verheriatet, und mein Mann heisst Max. Wir haben zwei Katzen, Emma und Alice. Wir haben auch zwei (guinea pigs) und ein Fisch.

I really like German. But I can never tell if I'm actually good at it, or if I just think I am, but I'm actually saying everything wrong.

Yesterday my Mom and I ran errands all day. I found this amazing fox fabric at Jo-Anns that I'm going to make a table cloth with, and some more picture frames. I am DETERMINED to make my house homey and organized. Determined. We went to Party City too so I could get some decorations, and my Mom got some hippie stuff for her costume. Our ward is having a trunk or treat next week that I really want to go to and decorate my car. I don't know if I'll have work though. :( I finally thought of a costume for Max and I, Mr. and Mrs. Fox from The Fantastic Mr. Fox. Party City had really cute fox masks that I got, but Max is still being difficult about wearing them. We'll see though...

I keep having these dreams where I'm this super awesome fighter or something, battling monsters and being all awesome. And then I go into town or wherever all beat up with my clothes torn and blood on me and just order a whisky or something and act all super bad ass. And I punched through a glass window? Cool. Dream me is cool.

Also had a dream that my ex tried to kill me and then he went to a psych ward, which is actually horrifying.

Party City Days

Today was my 2nd day at Party City. I was on the register for my whole 5 hour shift. It was easy stuff, but really hurt my back and feet and was boring at times. I think they want me to stay on register mostly because apparently I'm good at it. (Everyone is good at it, there's like no way to mess it up.) I think I'd rather be on the floor, but I don't know. I just don't want to be on my feet all day.

I got all my decorations today, mostly so that I can't decide "Oh, I like that. Oh, that too!" No. I got them all, that's it. I will decorate our little apartment and be done with it. Except I just realized that I forgot the tablecloth. And we still need our costumes... which I think we finally decided will be Film Noir- either just the costumes or maybe with grey face paint too to be black and white.

Tomorrow is a long day... I hope it goes by fast. Max and I have our date night tomorrow, it's actually really nice having a weekly date night. Last week we were driving to Palm Springs, the week before we went to CPK I believe. It's a good routine.

We're both getting really stressed out being here in the guest room though. There's no room for anything and it's very cramped and hot. And Max only has a couple hours of free time after work, so he gets stressed when he comes back and the room is messy. I don't blame him at all. I really can't wait to move into our new place either. I feel bad that he's so uncomfortable, and the only thing I can really do is stay at my Mom's house for a few nights. It's less than 2 weeks until we move in. We were originally planning to wait until November to save money, but we decided the money is worth it to have our own space with our cats and stuff again as soon as possible.

Phew. We keep on trucking along.

P.S. Wow, I'm actually keeping up with this!!!

Doing Good

Started at Party City today. It was definitely not bad. I was on a register for most of my shift, so it wasn't super great, but it definitely wasn't bad. Very nice manager, fun to talk to, and very nice co-workers so far.

And! An interview on Saturday for the Santa Photo Booth at the Oaks. Really excited about this. I would be getting actual photography job experience. (If they train me as a photographer...)

I'm doing ok! So far, so good. I have a lot to catch up on in German, and so much to do regarding the DMV and my car in general... but I'm trying not to think about that.

Max and I are having issues with being in this room. He has to go to sleep at 10 and I have to stay up to do homework, and then he can't sleep well so he snores and flails and is generally really annoying to be next to. But it's not his fault. :( Just 2 more weeks until we have our apartment. 2 more!

I'm still waiting to hear back on the one photo contest I entered that I may actually have a chance in. It ended yesterday, but nothing has been posted yet. I'm just worried that I'll find out and let myself get very discouraged. I'm trying to be positive about it.

This is my Bio for my German class. I just had to look up a couple words, other than that I wrote it on my own!

Sunday Night Anxiety

I feel genuinely crappy about myself right now. I just feel very loser-ish. I lost about 80 dollars on slots today, (luckily Max won it back), swore off slots, then felt awful for purposefully going to a casino on Sunday and gambling so much money, and actually praying that I would win it back. There was really no excuse to go beings that we drove ourselves and could have left at any time.

So I'm just reflecting on this, and reflecting on how everyone was so pumped to watch conference, and make hashtags, and graphics, and 800 Facebook posts, and I am so not looking forward to watching it. But if I don't, I'll definitely feel worse. And I see these snippets of talks about just asking God, and that you'll get the answers. But I don't feel God. I don't feel anything. I feel like I have for the past 4 years, just fighting to want it. I mean, I want it, but I don't want to do anything to get there.

I'm so glad we talked to our Bishop, and that he knows that we tend to... not cooperate. And that we need a shove. We need to be reached out to. Honestly, we need a calling in Primary. We need sad little faces to guilt us into going to church. Ha. Max may get the Priesthood soon, and that's so amazing. And I hope more than anything that that will help. Because this limbo- this "Eh. It's Sunday but we're with family. Eh, your Mom wanted me to taste the coffee. Eh." needs to stop. I'm done with Eh.

And then, on a secular side, it turns out I am one crappy photographer. And I wonder why I'm trying.
"Oh Holly, that super competitive field that made you feel like a loser didn't work out, so you should just try a different super competitive field that makes you feel like a loser. And actually, this one is MORE popular than the other one! So now you can feel like a loser WAY more!" Why? Why am I trying? Why am I not giving up and working in McDonalds for the rest of my life? Oh, right. Because scheduled jobs give me horribly anxiety and make me not be able to function in any other aspect of my life! 

I'm starting at Party City on Tuesday, and all weekend I've been mentally counting down to having to go. Having to go. God forbid I'd want to. No, it feels like everything I do is just shadowed by this cloud of "In 2 days you will have to stay in the same place for 5 hours, talk to people about things, and not be able to leave." I swear, minimum wage isn't worth this load of anxiety. Honestly, I don't think that any amount would be. But I have to do something, or Max will be disappointed in me. And that's just the worst feeling in the world. Having Max work so hard and do so much, and then be disappointed in me for my work ethic, or for not working full time, or for complaining about work. If I could work happily- or at least without this looming terror- I would do it. I would do it in a heartbeat to help our family. And the fact that I can't makes me feel like dirt. Just absolute crap. And so I applied to this job, praying that I wouldn't get it, and I did. And now I have to do it. It's do it, or feel like a total piece of garbage.

But all things considered mentally, physically (side note: none of my pants fit me anymore. and now I just realized my khakis won't fit me either. great.), spiritually, financially, and academically, I pretty much am a piece of garbage.

And now just writing this has made my chest and arm hurt like I'm having a heart attack, which is just piling on the anxiety more.

Meeting with the Simi 5th Bishop

I'm missing my Dad a lot tonight. And it always seems to happen whenever I have a spiritual high. It's like I remember how beautiful and true the gospel is, and how I'm so happy to be able to see my Dad again one day, and then that brings more attention to the fact that he's gone now. Or that I can't tell him, "Dad! We talked to the Bishop tonight, and Max is going to get the Priesthood soon! And the Bishop is going to help us get sealed next year!" And I want to tell him that so bad, but the silly part I know that he knows already. And I am confident that he's a big part of why these prayers are being answered. I know he's on the other side pushing me and Max, and rooting for us to get where we need to be. And as hard as it is, I think a big reason he went when he did was to help me in a way he couldn't anymore while on Earth. God works in mysterious ways.

Coming to Terms

I read this awesome article about a pregnant Mom who really wanted a community garden plot. She really wanted to be the Mom that took her kids to the garden after school to pick veggies for dinner. And then when she finally got her plot, she was so busy with everything else and being a mom to two kids and a wife and everything else that she put off being a gardener. And it made her feel bad about herself, like because she couldn't live up to this ideal of what she wanted to do, she was inferior. And finally she realized that just because she had good intentions, having a garden plot didn't make her a good mom or a good wife, and she gave it up and was happy.

That whole long story correlates to this blog. I want so badly to write in my journal everyday. I want to write my hopes and dreams etc. And I don't. I just don't. I have pages with post-its from years ago saying "Write about this day!!!" No. Not gonna happen. Instead, I go on the computer. I do everything on the internet, and journaling has to be one of those things.

So, before I play another game of League of Legends with my husband, let me say hi. And that you'll be hearing from me soon.

Regarding "The Honeymoon Phase"

I read a lot of young married girl's posts about marriage, and how it was so blissful in the beginning, and slowly became hard to share and take care of each other, etc. and then the hard work begins.

And I think I'm more lucky than I realized in my relationship if that's the case. Because everyone who finds out that I've been married under a year says "Aw Honeymoon phase!" And I smile and say "Sure" and secretly think about how we sometimes fight about stupid crap, and our relationship has the same dynamic between us as when we were dating/engaged and how we aren't having "crazy newlywed sex" like everyone and the media thinks we should be, and sometimes I get worried that there's something wrong.

But really, when I read how hard it is for young couples who come down from the honeymoon phase, and then realize that "Oh we don't know each other at all because we've been together 2 months" I can't help but be relieved that we never had a "honeymoon phase", because then there's nothing to fall down from. Seriously, the closest we got to one was our Senior year in high school, where I specifically remember saying "We NEVER fight! We must be perfect!" Ha.Ha.

But that's the thing about real relationships, people aren't perfect. Max and I are so different from each other. By every compatibility test there is, we are not supposed to be happy. And through 4 years of people saying "Stop giving Max chances" I always knew that it would work out. I still have dreams that I settled for some other guy, and I'm talking to my Mom and just saying "Why am I not with Max? What happened?"

I don't know if everyone has a soul mate, and if they do, I feel like most people may pass theirs up at the first sign of a fight or breakup. But if soul mates exist, and God already decided on me and Max, or maybe we decided a long time ago in the pre-existence that we would be together (I can just imagine it. "I'll find you on Earth, but I'm going to be a huge jerk for awhile" "It's ok, I will be too!) then what I do know is that soul mate does not equal "honeymoon phase". It equals "Wow you really suck right now, but I love you so much that we're going to kiss and make up and play with the kittens together in 15 minutes."

So here's to the couples that think there's something wrong, because they fought the day after the wedding, and they fought on their honeymoon, but they wouldn't change anything, because real married couples don't get along all the time, but they always make up.

Simi Valley

We're back in Simi! All of the sudden our whole Riverside adventure is over. I'll admit it- I cried a little bit. Especially because we got engaged in that apartment, and now we can never go inside it again :(

But onwards and upwards! Onwards and upwards to living in one room at my in-laws house. Haha. Our cats are at my Mom's. Our stuff is crammed ceiling high in the other room. The guinea pigs are in there with the stuff. It's interesting. Max is at work all day, and I go to school or my mom's house, and then come back here at night with Max.

Speaking of the job. Max finished his first week today, and so far he says it's been okay. He's annoyed that they won't let him work at his own computer yet. I get upset because he's been working 8.5 hours everyday, and he gets home at 6. And goes to bed at 11. :( I miss our all night League of Legends games, which we still play.... just for only the 5 hours instead of 10...

I'm looking for seasonal work. At this point I think I'm going to be at Moorpark again next semester doing general ed and the photo classes they offer. I'm hoping to be able to work a few months now, and then stop next semester when I'll be back to full time. I just applied for a photo assistant position at the Santa mall photography thing at The Oaks mall. I would be beyond excited to work at something like that, and possibly get actual professional experience/ editing experience. I'm really praying for that honestly.

I'm at a crossroads of where I can end up. I was exploring the animal care career path for awhile, but it's becoming more narrow of an option. I enjoyed Petsmart, but it was more retail than anything. I HATED grooming at Petco. And there was the EATM option, but it's looking like I won't have the required classes down before I apply in the spring. And I'm not sure if I want to spend 2 years of hard core unpaid work like that, and then have my options to be limited to zoos and the like, which there aren't a lot of here. And if zoo work is my road, then EATM isn't necessarily a requirement to do so.

So, I can continue on my path of music, which comes with a lot of cons. Yes, I would finish quickly, but that doesn't mean it would be easy. I could continue my path to performance, but I will never be a performer past community theater for fun, not with a husband and a future family. I could do music ed- but I honestly despise teaching people things. So I can't imagine that working. The only option would be a general degree- but what's the point? Or a music therapy degree- which I am looking into. Honestly the only reason I would continue would be so I could be a good singer again and feel like a boss. And then sit in church and have random ladies tell me to join choir. And maybe sing my kids arias or something.

And then there's the photography path. The "something I've always really loved and never explored because of music" path. And this path will actually lend to career opportunities. If I can work in a studio or as an assistant part time, and be a Mom and a housewife, I will be overjoyed. If I can find something that doesn't make me want to kill myself at a retail/ food/ 9-5 office job, I will be fulfilled. At this point, I'm really leaning that way, even if it means starting over with my basic art classes and junk, because making a portfolio and having senior project shows and galleries actually makes me really excited.

Tomorrow we are looking at apartments. Specifically in Wood Ranch. We really like them so far, and they allow cats which is a plus... now we won't have to sneak them in. We're hoping for mid October to move in and set up. So we will get the holidays in our little place together. It has super mixed reviews on Yelp and other sites of being either awesome or horrible- so who knows? We'll see what the verdict is tomorrow.