I feel genuinely crappy about myself right now. I just feel very loser-ish. I lost about 80 dollars on slots today, (luckily Max won it back), swore off slots, then felt awful for purposefully going to a casino on Sunday and gambling so much money, and actually praying that I would win it back. There was really no excuse to go beings that we drove ourselves and could have left at any time.
So I'm just reflecting on this, and reflecting on how everyone was so pumped to watch conference, and make hashtags, and graphics, and 800 Facebook posts, and I am so not looking forward to watching it. But if I don't, I'll definitely feel worse. And I see these snippets of talks about just asking God, and that you'll get the answers. But I don't feel God. I don't feel anything. I feel like I have for the past 4 years, just fighting to want it. I mean, I want it, but I don't want to do anything to get there.
I'm so glad we talked to our Bishop, and that he knows that we tend to... not cooperate. And that we need a shove. We need to be reached out to. Honestly, we need a calling in Primary. We need sad little faces to guilt us into going to church. Ha. Max may get the Priesthood soon, and that's so amazing. And I hope more than anything that that will help. Because this limbo- this "Eh. It's Sunday but we're with family. Eh, your Mom wanted me to taste the coffee. Eh." needs to stop. I'm done with Eh.
And then, on a secular side, it turns out I am one crappy photographer. And I wonder why I'm trying.
"Oh Holly, that super competitive field that made you feel like a loser didn't work out, so you should just try a different super competitive field that makes you feel like a loser. And actually, this one is MORE popular than the other one! So now you can feel like a loser WAY more!" Why? Why am I trying? Why am I not giving up and working in McDonalds for the rest of my life? Oh, right. Because scheduled jobs give me horribly anxiety and make me not be able to function in any other aspect of my life!
I'm starting at Party City on Tuesday, and all weekend I've been mentally counting down to having to go. Having to go. God forbid I'd want to. No, it feels like everything I do is just shadowed by this cloud of "In 2 days you will have to stay in the same place for 5 hours, talk to people about things, and not be able to leave." I swear, minimum wage isn't worth this load of anxiety. Honestly, I don't think that any amount would be. But I have to do something, or Max will be disappointed in me. And that's just the worst feeling in the world. Having Max work so hard and do so much, and then be disappointed in me for my work ethic, or for not working full time, or for complaining about work. If I could work happily- or at least without this looming terror- I would do it. I would do it in a heartbeat to help our family. And the fact that I can't makes me feel like dirt. Just absolute crap. And so I applied to this job, praying that I wouldn't get it, and I did. And now I have to do it. It's do it, or feel like a total piece of garbage.
But all things considered mentally, physically (side note: none of my pants fit me anymore. and now I just realized my khakis won't fit me either. great.), spiritually, financially, and academically, I pretty much am a piece of garbage.
And now just writing this has made my chest and arm hurt like I'm having a heart attack, which is just piling on the anxiety more.
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