Modern Day WOW

I would like to express my thoughts on The Word of Wisdom- regarding some things I've noticed recently.

I was watching conference, and one of the choirs was a Utah congregation. And there was an overwhelming trait that most of the members shared- more than half of them were overweight or to the point of being considered medically obese.  And as far as I’m aware, the WoW really counsels to eat correctly for our bodies, to eat fruit and veggies and whole grain, and exercise, and not be idle or sleep more than necessary. And if everyone adhered very strictly to these principles (and I am absolutely not saying that I do) there wouldn’t be nearly as many overweight or obese members (unless there is a medical cause behind it, or if people are naturally large or heavy, or any other factors which are outside of the control of diet of exercise- of which I am aware that there are many.)

So, why as members are we so prone to “pick and choose” about the WOW.  We are told constantly that the commandments are not a buffet- that we cannot pick and choose. So why do we ignore things like “Eat meat sparingly”, but completely shame and ostracize those college students who drink coffee to get through school? Why do we drink energy drinks which are linked to more health problems than I can list, but green tea, with less caffeine than dark chocolate, is taboo? 

How many LDS members were overjoyed when Baja Blast was sold in stores- and then when I pointed this out earlier in the year, I was told “It’s not listed in the Word of Wisdom!” (Which came out 200 years ago and therefore is a completely ridiculous thing to say. Of freaking course it’s not in the WoW.) 

For all intents and purposes, it very much seems like we are all about picking what’s convenient in the WoW, and ignoring the parts that we don’t like. And if that’s not the case, and we can truly say “Things have changed, we now recognize the spirit of the law, rather than the letter of the law” then we also need to recognize that the spirit of the law is to be healthy, and avoid addictive substances- which includes not eating fast food, and drinking cases of Baja Blast.

Just for funsies.
Here's my favorite wedding photo. :)

Sunday Update

Ahhh I'm so excited. I just got Max's anniversary present. It's paper, and I think he might cry. Maybe.

We move in in 3 days!!! And we're so broke. So in debt. But it's okay, because it's just for a couple weeks and then we'll get paid again and it will be okay. Phew.

We have to put off our anniversary trip to Disneyland now, but I'm actually kind of happy about it. Now we can spend the day in our new home, and I have a lot of fun stuff planned. (I've been making a Pinterest board for like a month now.)

Tomorrow we have to deal with a lot of the apartment stuff. Apparently we owe all of November's rent at move-in, which we were not told until now And our move in date is seriously one day before we both get paid. So we'll have to borrow some money, but that's okay. I really hope I don't work on Wednesday though...

We saw The Book of Life last night, and we really liked it. It definitely made me miss my Dad, as it was all about remembering our loved ones and how they are always with us if we do. And I've been thinking a lot about that recently anyway, after our Sunday School lesson last week on the Spirit World. I truly believe that my Dad had to go when he did because he just couldn't help me or anyone else while in his physical body. And now he's free to help me and Max make it to the temple.

I had a dream a few months ago and I'm not sure if I wrote it down, so I feel the need to so I don't forget. I was told in my Patriarchal Blessing that I would have dreams and see divine things. I can believe this, as I have some very intense and vivid dreams sometimes. One in particular though was something really silly, but it held something that I know is true. I had checked Facebook or something and saw that my Dad had been trying to message me from the Spirit World, but I hadn't seen the messages when they were sent. He told me that he was very busy doing missionary work, and he was happy to be doing it because he had never served a mission on the Earth. And every time I think about that I know it's true. I know it's what he's doing. And that makes me so happy and proud of him.

So, that was a tangent. Anyway, I recommend the Book of Life. It's cheesy, but moving, and Max said it addresses some deep cultural issues that modern Mexican families are experiencing. Namely the "Family wants son to do a certain thing, son wants to do something else and family disapproves" concept. It's really cheesy from a white person stand point, but definitely a real issue from the Hispanic stand point, especially for Max who converted to another religion.

That's the update. Max is watching a League of Legends championship video. Oh boy.

Oh! Another fun fact. A few days I absolutely freaked myself out into thinking I was pregnant. And I realized something (that I already knew). I am definitely absolutely not ready to be a Mom. I am far too selfish right now. Every reason I had for not wanting a baby now was "I need to graduate college" "I need to go to Europe" "I need to fit into a wedding dress for our sealing". Not "We don't have money" "I will be a bad Mom".  No, just entirely selfish 22 year old things. And I actually yelled at God. I yelled at God and said "You know I am too selfish for this. You know I will regret these things forever. I will be so mad."

So. That's something to work on. 

Oh! More updates. My Mom and I went to The Rise of the Jack O Lanterns on Wednesday at Descanso Gardens. Basically a long walk where you look at a bunch of different amazingly carved pumpkins. Here's some photos I took! (I'm proud of them!)

And I think that's finally all!

Ether 12:27

“And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.”


Seeing our weaknesses and recognizing their enormity is good. If we do not see our weaknesses, we are not humble. Even if Christ makes our weaknesses strong, we will always have something else come along to be tempted by, to be weak for. I see how my weaknesses have changed in the past couple years. I see the things that I have to work on. And I know that as long as I keep trying, as long as I keep standing back up after giving in, I will be helped. 

Good things update

I am genuinely happy today. It's kind of a weird feeling. It's diminished some as some added stress has arrived, but there was a moment, standing in Chipotle that I recognized that I was truly happy and blessed.

I'm actually having a really good time at Party City. I only work about 3 days a week, and the time goes by pretty quickly when I do work. It's really nice. I talked to some of the other seasonal hires, and met 2 guys who went to Santa Su, one graduated 2008, and one 2014. So I was talking to them a bit about the changes. We're supposed to wear accessories when we work, so I switch from cat ears to top hats. The store was super slow on Sunday night, so I ended up doing this. Beautiful, I know.

On Saturday I went to the T.O. mall with Max for an interview with the company that does the Santa Photo Booth. The managers are both girls a few years older than me, extremely nice, and wanted to hire me as a photographer. I'm so excited, except I have to do a bunch of paperwork and take a drug test, and meet again with the manager to do more paperwork before I start, and that stuff makes me anxious. But since a lot of my other anxieties have gone away, I'm feeling a lot better about it. Max took me to Red Lobster after to celebrate. Mmm cheddar bay biscuits...

Speaking of the other anxieties, I found out in Palm Springs last weekend that my license was expired. I had known this, and forgot about it. Also, my check engine has been on for a couple weeks. I initially saw it and realized the gas cap was off, so I hoped that was all it was. Then the light never went off. Lastly, there's still a bunch of apartment stuff we need to get done before we move, and I haven't heard from the leasing office in awhile.

But! Then I actually went on the DMV website, and it turns out renewing my license was like the easiest thing on the planet. Seriously. I'm kicking myself for not doing it earlier. And then today my check engine light finally went off. In this case, putting off taking it to the mechanic actually paid off, it just needed some time to finally realize that I had fixed it's problem. And lastly, Max switched the renters insurance tonight (super easy), and we paid the deposit and pro-rated rent online. So now when the lady does contact me, it should all be easy peasy.

Other stuff. On Friday for our date night we saw Maleficent, and we thought it was really good. Some weird plot points maybe, but I liked it a lot. Saturday we went running in the park before we went to the mall. Saw a kitty in the grass, good stuff. I hate running, but it was nice to go out in the park with Max. We went to church on Sunday and were introduced into the ward. After Sacrament the R.S. President talked to me (who was sitting right behind us) and was asking if we needed help moving in and stuff. She was really nice and said it was good to have young people move into the ward haha. We went to Sunday School too, the Sister Missionaries taught about the post-mortal life before the Resurrection. I guess it was stuff that Max didn't know a lot about, so he was excited to hear something new. :) We had a talk about doing baptisms for the dead on the way home.

I derped pretty hard on my German test the other day. I missed the class where he explained the test, so I thought it was on Monday in the library. I went to the library and no one was there. Turns out the test was online and I was supposed to do it before class. Oops. But I did it today and I think I did pretty well. Yesterday we wrote about our families. This was mine:

Ich erzähle dir von meiner Familie. Ich habe Geschwister nicht, ich bin ein Einzelkind. Ich habe ein Mutter, und ich liebe sie sehr. Sie ist eine Witwe. Ich bin verheriatet, und mein Mann heisst Max. Wir haben zwei Katzen, Emma und Alice. Wir haben auch zwei (guinea pigs) und ein Fisch.

I really like German. But I can never tell if I'm actually good at it, or if I just think I am, but I'm actually saying everything wrong.

Yesterday my Mom and I ran errands all day. I found this amazing fox fabric at Jo-Anns that I'm going to make a table cloth with, and some more picture frames. I am DETERMINED to make my house homey and organized. Determined. We went to Party City too so I could get some decorations, and my Mom got some hippie stuff for her costume. Our ward is having a trunk or treat next week that I really want to go to and decorate my car. I don't know if I'll have work though. :( I finally thought of a costume for Max and I, Mr. and Mrs. Fox from The Fantastic Mr. Fox. Party City had really cute fox masks that I got, but Max is still being difficult about wearing them. We'll see though...

I keep having these dreams where I'm this super awesome fighter or something, battling monsters and being all awesome. And then I go into town or wherever all beat up with my clothes torn and blood on me and just order a whisky or something and act all super bad ass. And I punched through a glass window? Cool. Dream me is cool.

Also had a dream that my ex tried to kill me and then he went to a psych ward, which is actually horrifying.

Party City Days

Today was my 2nd day at Party City. I was on the register for my whole 5 hour shift. It was easy stuff, but really hurt my back and feet and was boring at times. I think they want me to stay on register mostly because apparently I'm good at it. (Everyone is good at it, there's like no way to mess it up.) I think I'd rather be on the floor, but I don't know. I just don't want to be on my feet all day.

I got all my decorations today, mostly so that I can't decide "Oh, I like that. Oh, that too!" No. I got them all, that's it. I will decorate our little apartment and be done with it. Except I just realized that I forgot the tablecloth. And we still need our costumes... which I think we finally decided will be Film Noir- either just the costumes or maybe with grey face paint too to be black and white.

Tomorrow is a long day... I hope it goes by fast. Max and I have our date night tomorrow, it's actually really nice having a weekly date night. Last week we were driving to Palm Springs, the week before we went to CPK I believe. It's a good routine.

We're both getting really stressed out being here in the guest room though. There's no room for anything and it's very cramped and hot. And Max only has a couple hours of free time after work, so he gets stressed when he comes back and the room is messy. I don't blame him at all. I really can't wait to move into our new place either. I feel bad that he's so uncomfortable, and the only thing I can really do is stay at my Mom's house for a few nights. It's less than 2 weeks until we move in. We were originally planning to wait until November to save money, but we decided the money is worth it to have our own space with our cats and stuff again as soon as possible.

Phew. We keep on trucking along.

P.S. Wow, I'm actually keeping up with this!!!

Doing Good

Started at Party City today. It was definitely not bad. I was on a register for most of my shift, so it wasn't super great, but it definitely wasn't bad. Very nice manager, fun to talk to, and very nice co-workers so far.

And! An interview on Saturday for the Santa Photo Booth at the Oaks. Really excited about this. I would be getting actual photography job experience. (If they train me as a photographer...)

I'm doing ok! So far, so good. I have a lot to catch up on in German, and so much to do regarding the DMV and my car in general... but I'm trying not to think about that.

Max and I are having issues with being in this room. He has to go to sleep at 10 and I have to stay up to do homework, and then he can't sleep well so he snores and flails and is generally really annoying to be next to. But it's not his fault. :( Just 2 more weeks until we have our apartment. 2 more!

I'm still waiting to hear back on the one photo contest I entered that I may actually have a chance in. It ended yesterday, but nothing has been posted yet. I'm just worried that I'll find out and let myself get very discouraged. I'm trying to be positive about it.

This is my Bio for my German class. I just had to look up a couple words, other than that I wrote it on my own!

Sunday Night Anxiety

I feel genuinely crappy about myself right now. I just feel very loser-ish. I lost about 80 dollars on slots today, (luckily Max won it back), swore off slots, then felt awful for purposefully going to a casino on Sunday and gambling so much money, and actually praying that I would win it back. There was really no excuse to go beings that we drove ourselves and could have left at any time.

So I'm just reflecting on this, and reflecting on how everyone was so pumped to watch conference, and make hashtags, and graphics, and 800 Facebook posts, and I am so not looking forward to watching it. But if I don't, I'll definitely feel worse. And I see these snippets of talks about just asking God, and that you'll get the answers. But I don't feel God. I don't feel anything. I feel like I have for the past 4 years, just fighting to want it. I mean, I want it, but I don't want to do anything to get there.

I'm so glad we talked to our Bishop, and that he knows that we tend to... not cooperate. And that we need a shove. We need to be reached out to. Honestly, we need a calling in Primary. We need sad little faces to guilt us into going to church. Ha. Max may get the Priesthood soon, and that's so amazing. And I hope more than anything that that will help. Because this limbo- this "Eh. It's Sunday but we're with family. Eh, your Mom wanted me to taste the coffee. Eh." needs to stop. I'm done with Eh.

And then, on a secular side, it turns out I am one crappy photographer. And I wonder why I'm trying.
"Oh Holly, that super competitive field that made you feel like a loser didn't work out, so you should just try a different super competitive field that makes you feel like a loser. And actually, this one is MORE popular than the other one! So now you can feel like a loser WAY more!" Why? Why am I trying? Why am I not giving up and working in McDonalds for the rest of my life? Oh, right. Because scheduled jobs give me horribly anxiety and make me not be able to function in any other aspect of my life! 

I'm starting at Party City on Tuesday, and all weekend I've been mentally counting down to having to go. Having to go. God forbid I'd want to. No, it feels like everything I do is just shadowed by this cloud of "In 2 days you will have to stay in the same place for 5 hours, talk to people about things, and not be able to leave." I swear, minimum wage isn't worth this load of anxiety. Honestly, I don't think that any amount would be. But I have to do something, or Max will be disappointed in me. And that's just the worst feeling in the world. Having Max work so hard and do so much, and then be disappointed in me for my work ethic, or for not working full time, or for complaining about work. If I could work happily- or at least without this looming terror- I would do it. I would do it in a heartbeat to help our family. And the fact that I can't makes me feel like dirt. Just absolute crap. And so I applied to this job, praying that I wouldn't get it, and I did. And now I have to do it. It's do it, or feel like a total piece of garbage.

But all things considered mentally, physically (side note: none of my pants fit me anymore. and now I just realized my khakis won't fit me either. great.), spiritually, financially, and academically, I pretty much am a piece of garbage.

And now just writing this has made my chest and arm hurt like I'm having a heart attack, which is just piling on the anxiety more.